Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Nutty novels

Naff ideas for novels I will never write.

Bosworth's Night Out

An ordinary stroll to the local pub turns sour when Bosworth accidentally unclips Rover's leash next to the high street. Dashing for no good reason, Rover meets an untimely fate at the wheels of a large, interstate oil truck. Bosworth's mourning gains a sinister aspect when the following morning he is told by his mother that Rover never existed. Sarah, the prostitute who shared his bed last night, is convinced it's a conspiracy. Together they set out into a dark world of gangster overlords and shaking rattles to uncover the amazing truth!

What critics will say: "Mr. marts' debut novel sizzles with exciting pizzazz and unflinching flair. Not only is Bosworth a believable character for such an unlikely story, he is a believable character absolutely. When Rover's soft gooey insides squish-squoosh on the tar, we feel Bosworth's agony as our own. My vote for the Noddydoddy Awards this year."

The Thought Monkey

On the planet Omnibulb 5 an experiment to investigate the properties of xargs goes astray and a monkey comes into being. On earth a father mourns the loss of his only child. At night he dreams of a monkey in a strange green place, calling his name. Can these events be linked?

What critics will say: "Audacious. Mr. marts' follow-up novel to the hugely successful Bosworth's Night Out uvovulates with viscerating visions in a fearsome and frighteningly foreign yet all too familar world. With dazzling ideas and infrigerating phrases the reader is swept along a narrow precipice of unchartered territory. After two chapters there is no putting down or going back, and one wants to scratch one's armpits with delight - just like the monkey of the title!"

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