Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The art of happiness 2: human relationships

In conversation with Howard C. Cutler, the Dalai Lama continues to explore the art of happiness. In part 2, human warmth and compassion are discussed. So far the discussion has centred around human relationships.

To start off with, the narrating psychiatrist (Cutler) asks the Dalai Lama if he ever gets lonely - to which the latter's unexpected answer is: no, never. The Dalai Lama explains that he does not get lonely because he always finds connections with other people, by sharing himself with other people and finding commonality.

This conversation soon gains interest as it proceeds to explore relationships, in particular romantic relationships, in the light of compassion. More of that soon.

Peppered with Cutler's questions on recipes for happiness in human relationships, the Dalai Lama time and again responds by first emphasising that human interactions are complex, with complex contexts, and cannot be reduced to simple methods or recipes for success. Nevertheless, he suggests empathy as an important way to enhance compassion. In conjunction with that the ability to understand others' backgrounds. These are very important. He also explains that at first, when approaching someone (whom he doesn't know well), he tries to keep in mind the simple basic things we all have in common as human beings: we have a physical nature, a mind, and emotions, we want happiness, we start life as babies, and one day we will die. He tries not to emphasise differences. Lastly, he advocates an honest, open-minded attitude.

Cutler then observes that romantic relationships are a bit mixed in terms of lasting happiness, and asks why this is so. The short answer, in the words of the Dalai Lama, is that there are two types of sexual relationships: those based on sexual desire, which want immediate gratification and thereby treat people as merely objects - with the consequence that when the good times blow over, so does the relationship. And then those that are based on an underlying appreciation of the other person's value, recognising that person's kindness, goodness, and gentleness. Here the emphasis is on affection, compassion, and mutual respect.

Cutler goes on to delineate a short history of romance, starting with Eros, and then the myth of Aristophanes in which self-sufficent beings with backs and sides that formed a circle, arrogantly challenged the gods and were cut in half by Zeus' thunderbolts. From then on, the halves longed to be united with each other. Hence people's yearning for a Special Someone who can make them feel whole. He also cites Romanticism as the movement that has made this a popular ideal up until the present. He does not mention that industrialisation has helped make this an acceptable and feasible requirement for marriage (notions of romantic love in literature and art stretches back much further than Romanticism, unto Sappho and beyond), but that may be besides the point.

What I take from this is the sense that (a) by itself romance is for temporary fun (b) a lasting, happy relationship can have romance, but is unlikely to be based on it, (c) although a happy relationship may have started with romantic notions, the glue that keeps it together is the qualities of affection, compassion, mutual respect and caring.

In the final instance, keeping in mind that the Dalai Lama is completely celibate, I remind myself that happiness, and deep, satisfying connections with other human beings does not rely on finding only a Special Someone, but can be realised in honest, genuine connections with other human beings on all levels.

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